And i thought my jokes were bad

So, like, apparently, Katie's sister, Holly now has an official boyfriend.
I'm really happy for her, don't get me wrong.
but i find myself wondering, is it me, or is it Katie's age that concerns her parents and me and her dating.
I do believe that it's both.
Her mother told me that she wanted Katie to wait until she is old enough to handle the sort of responsibility and maturity to be in a relationship.
She apparently does not know her daughter very well.
No matter what aspect of life, be it from kissing to watching a movie Katie is always trying to decipher what God is trying to tell her.
I envy katie sometimes, just her level of intelligence in some aspects blows me away.
But, well, i guess it's up to her parents no matter what.

great day

so, this morning, i got to church and a very good friend of mine tells me that he's been asked to play in praise band at church, and i was happy for him, but also a little sad.
i've been trying for a year to play on the praise band, and well, i was full of contempt all through worship, and i could barely talk to Katie.
so, i felt bad, and i wen to sit down in sunday school class.
meghan taylor asks me "what's wrong?"
i tell her that i'm just frustrated over pointless stuff, and she says "if it's pointless, why are you frustrated?, just ask Mal if you can join"
so, i go, and ask, and well, first practice is next sunday at 2!!!!
Thank you Katie, and meghan.

oh my goodness gracious charlie brown

Tuesday, August 19, 2008


oh my goodness gracious chrlie brown

So, yesterday, i went to sty at Ryan Cheek's house, and when i told Robin(the woman i live with) she got like, super pissed, she doesn't understand that i want to spend as little time as possible here, at this house.
I have grown weary of her self-righteousness, her arrogance is so infuriating that it is all i can do to keep from screaming and throwing myself at a wall over and over again (the definition of insanity...). I want so badly to leave, but where would i go?
Mon and Dad's?-no, i'm too stressful for them, and living with them means that i would get to see Katie and everyone else even less than i already do.
The street-i'd be the worse homeless person, ever. I like staying inside when it's raining, sometimes(lol).

This has gone on too far. I want to just tell them what i've been feeling, but we think on such different levels that if i did, they(Robin and Sarah) would come back with some crack-pot excuse like "that's how i was raised" or "that's how i've always done that" I've used those lines on them before, just to see how they liked it, and you know what they said to me? "well, change" I've changed too much for them, back in the day (which was a wednesday in fact) if i changed something about my personality, i did it for myself. The things that they want me to change are ridiculous, i gave my Zune to my Dear Katie Beth, because they don't like the music i listen to. I stopped watching all the movies(not teh prons) they don't like because they didn't like them. I even stopped talking to all my friends that they do not approve of, because the didn't like them.
Ive lived with them for a year, and you know what they've changed????
Me neither.
I guess i'm just complaining, but it's due time that i complain, because keeping it to myself has probably been causing a tumor that sings "i'm a tumor, i'm a tumor i'm a tumor" to the tune of "Rock me Amadeus".

so, i slept, and with the encouragement of my sweet katie, i seem to be doing a lot better i got into the word today!!!!
and i just feel good, not physically, but you know, emotionally

lately

i've been finding myself angrier and angrier.
the people i live with are driving me insane.
i'm not sure if they do it on purpose, but they're doing it.
i've also had to come to terms with my intelligence, i'm not one to brag, but i'm a smart guy, about some things, but others, i'm wasted on.
like, with Katie, i want to be so much stronger for her, i want to be ab;e to stand in front of her and protect her, but right now, i'm having all the strength of a broomstick against the gate of a fortress, so, not very much.
i'm not getting into the word as often, if at all. that's got to be the reason why.
i want to be stronger, not just for Katie, but for myself as well. i need to get over my anger and let it go.

on the other hand, my heart issues are, well, they're back

future wife....

so, i remember doing this not along ago, and it got deleted when we had to get the hard-drive wiped, so here goes nothing:

1. Smart
2. Funny
3. Christian
-constantly striving after the word of god
-an ever-changing relationship with God
-knows what verse to use for what circumstance
4. Dependent, needs me
5. Loves kids
6. Likes:
-movies
-cuddling
-kissing
-flirting (with each other)
-walking (anywhere and nowhere in particular)
-old movies
-old cartoons
-scary movies (or likes then enough to watch them with me)
-dogs
7. Loving
8. Has Glasses
9. Lets me sing, no matter how bad I sound
10. Laughs at stupid, silly stuff
11. Lets me ramble about comic books
12. Patient
13. Talkative
14. Will talk on the phone for hours when apart

this is subject to change and will be longer, later

if robin doesn't have 1,500 dollars tomorrow, than i am soon to be moving back into my parents house.
meaning, i'll have a full-time job, and i will have very little, if any, free time.


this, on top of everything else God is doing to test my faith to the nth degree makes me feel like i am once again, losing my mind.

pray for me????

quitting the band

arrogance and rudeness consume my soon-to-be-ex-band members.

they're all very bad musicians

they don't understand how to play with other people.

i've been playing music for too long to not notice that.

they think that they are soooo good.

i say nay nay

so peter, you've become a pirate

You can tell him that I'm waiting
You can tell him that I'm not coming home
It's been a couple weeks debating
And I'm still not sure if she really knows
Fight off your urges to tell her how you feel
It can only cause you problems tonight
Hold tight till you leave, then decide
Whether the timing was wrong, or was it right?

Cause I know I would, regret if I ever left
Take a look just a little closer
Because she's the one that makes it feel like home
And I see now, but I can't fight
Wait here just a little longer
Hold on tight you about to lose her
These feelings that I have inside for her

Call me a friend when you're in dire need of
Falling cause I'm always there to help you up
Call me when you have a place to run away from
Call me cause I..

Cause I know I would, regret if I ever left
Take a look just a little closer
Because she's the one that makes it feel like home
And I see now, but I can't fight
Wait here just a little longer
Hold on tight you about to lose her
These feelings that I have inside for her

Give me a chance to prove that I
Could be your one, your inspiration.
Cause I swear, I won't, mess it all up give me a try
I know that I have my own flaws
But they just build my motivation
So take me, right now, before I start to change my mind

Cause I know I would, regret if I ever left
Take a look just a little closer
Because she's the one that makes it feel like home
And I see now, but I can't fight
Wait here just a little longer
Hold on tight you about to lose her
These feelings that I have inside for her

lately

i don't seem to update this very often.


it seemed that for a while, i was mad, but i've gotten over it.
God, Nicolle and Katie Beth helped me out like crazy

I DANCED!!!! i haven't actually danced in so long it's crazy.
This guy, James taught me a very simple swing dance, and that's about all i did all night.

every time i see Katie Beth, i seem to fall harder and harder. She's developed this habit that i absolutely love, she kisses my neck. It's just so...i can't think of a word...

God, i want to thank you for all the friends you've given me. I especially want to thank you for Katie. She's everything I've ever wanted in a friend r companion. She's smart, funny, beautiful,, she's not afraid to be herself, man, that is the most attractive thing about her, she doesn't act like she has to be different around me.
I love it

just because

just because
you were raised a certain way

just because
you think you're so good

just because
you apologize, it doesn't make it right

you're not perfect
you never will be

just because
you say that you care

just because
you're self righteous

just because
you want me out

i try to be
what you tell me to be


but
i just
can't

just because
all of my past

just because
you can't grow up

just because
i'm not you

no title

i'm closed,
i wish i was open
that's what i want
more than anything right now.

i'm so shy,
so insecure.
you know i'm not
the type if guy
who lets you know
exactly what i'm thinking.

but you're helping me out
and i'm happy about that

it's been a while

i haven't posted in a while, I've been meaning to, but I've just needed some time to think about what all to write about.
first of all, to all these little girls who "love" me, you know who you are, please leave me alone, I'm not interested, and even if i was, i would not tell you, please leave me alone, pretend I'm begging you, please stop.
second, I'm sick and tired of getting treated like a bad dog. the people i live with consistently treat me like I'm always doing something wrong, I've done nothing wrong, nothing, I'm sorry i can't be all self-righteous and perfect like you guys, i just can't.
third-a lot lately, I've found myself too shy to say much of anything to Katie, i want to get over that so bad, I wan to to be open with her, but it's not easy....

hmmmm.......

itting
waiting
not jack johnson i'm listening to

waiting for the signal
when to hit
when to drop
when to let the world know

that the way i feel
oh it's more than on tv

some kinda guess
only i really know

dfhwlfqv ebygvfep

great day, awesome day
i talked to Katie Dear's mom, and i've never been so nervous in my entire life.
i still don't know if she will approve.
fuspb;vas
budfsc
uif[dqsbv
qs

joker1648 (10:43:05 PM): because, lately, idk, i can't explain it, it'd take too long

karatekidmeers (10:43:20 PM): but i want you to explain it to me

karatekidmeers (10:43:48 PM): please

joker1648 (10:44:03 PM): okay, i belive in love, love is so strong, that people have lefted freaking helicopters off of other people, and well, lately, i've been thinking a lot about it

joker1648 (10:44:55 PM): love is not just a feeling, but a force, god is love, and when you thin about just how big god is, god is 484567845789567894567894567815245645678465789456789+ times bigger than anythign we can think of, so, how big is love?

joker1648 (10:45:01 PM): same size, bigger?

joker1648 (10:46:33 PM): i love people, my mom, my best friend, katie(not romantically, i dont think), casey,the girl i was telling you about, but when most people think "love" they think, ross and rachel

joker1648 (10:46:37 PM): romeoe and juliet

joker1648 (10:46:50 PM): the bacholeloerette

joker1648 (10:47:00 PM): and well, it can be like that

joker1648 (10:47:13 PM): but most if the time it is soo much stringewr

joker1648 (10:47:16 PM): stronger

joker1648 (10:48:42 PM): people say a lot "oh i love her/him" and they're like, not even 15, i'm not saying taht it is impossible for someone to find love so young, but that is the default that we come to, we see it on movies, tv, hear about it in songs, and we automatically use it and we donp't think of teh retirbutions it can have on us

joker1648 (10:49:15 PM): i once liked a girl taht said she loved me, i didn't know what to do, i thought that because she said it to me, i had to say it back

joker1648 (10:49:27 PM): and well, i have to go for a while, not sure how long

joker1648 (10:49:29 PM): but bbl

karatekidmeers (10:49:54 PM): i have never said i love you to a person that didn't deserve it, there are many levels of love

karatekidmeers (10:49:56 PM): ok

karatekidmeers (10:50:09 PM): you will finish this convo later though

karatekidmeers (10:50:10 PM): please

joker1648 (10:50:29 PM): i will

joker1648 (10:50:30 PM): brb

joker1648 (11:02:26 PM): back

karatekidmeers (11:02:31 PM): ok

joker1648 (11:03:02 PM): and i know you're not the person to throw it around like everyone else, but when i hear the way you talk about jeremy, that is the onyl way i could decribe it, love

joker1648 (11:03:22 PM): and i know you've thought about it we all do about someome we great;y care for

karatekidmeers (11:04:08 PM): but there is a fear that sets in my mind, scared that that love would not be returned

joker1648 (11:04:24 PM): and we all fear that

joker1648 (11:05:48 PM): love is god, god is to be feared, so in a roundabout way, so is love

karatekidmeers (11:06:14 PM): never looked at it that wat

karatekidmeers (11:06:16 PM): *way*

joker1648 (11:06:26 PM): and i don't reall wan to

joker1648 (11:06:29 PM): want to*

karatekidmeers (11:06:40 PM): does anybody

joker1648 (11:06:48 PM): i dont think so

joker1648 (11:07:13 PM): but seriously, when you look at it, i'm not trying to make you go insane or anything, what do you see?

joker1648 (11:07:16 PM): love, that is

karatekidmeers (11:07:32 PM): see?

joker1648 (11:07:50 PM): what is it that you think about romantic love?

karatekidmeers (11:08:19 PM): well having never experience a very true love, other than that with christ

karatekidmeers (11:08:23 PM): it is kinda hard

joker1648 (11:08:36 PM): yeah, and i think that is the best answer right now

joker1648 (11:09:04 PM): i've thought about love, it's one of my favorite things in the world, but in a romantic way, i'm not one who has experienced it

karatekidmeers (11:09:04 PM): as much as i want to be in a relationship with someone

karatekidmeers (11:09:13 PM): i don't want to rush into something that is not God given

joker1648 (11:09:21 PM): exactly

karatekidmeers (11:09:37 PM): love is a beautiful depending on the love that you view it in your eyes, mind and heart

karatekidmeers (11:09:42 PM): *thing*

joker1648 (11:09:55 PM): taht was always my biggest deal, i used to be all "hey i like you kinda, you seem to like me, let's 'date' for a week, and never talk again"

karatekidmeers (11:10:14 PM): and i do it frequently, but the Lord pulls me back before i do anything stupied

karatekidmeers (11:10:22 PM): *stupid*

karatekidmeers (11:10:39 PM): but i have never had a boyfriend

karatekidmeers (11:10:44 PM): so i am pure in every sense

karatekidmeers (11:10:53 PM): no holding hands, no cuddling, nothing like that

joker1648 (11:10:57 PM): that;s good, i wish i could claim to be of the same purity

karatekidmeers (11:11:12 PM): there are times i hate it

joker1648 (11:11:17 PM): why?

karatekidmeers (11:11:34 PM): i see everyone around me having those who want to hold them

karatekidmeers (11:11:36 PM): and love them

karatekidmeers (11:11:49 PM): but i realize that the longer I wait the more meaningful every step will be

joker1648 (11:11:56 PM): here is one of my favorite metaphors about love

joker1648 (11:13:02 PM): love is a party, where when you're not in love, you're sitting outside in the rain, uninvited, and everyone is inside the house, having a great time, and when you're in love, you're throwing the party, and nothing could be better

karatekidmeers (11:13:50 PM): umm ok

karatekidmeers (11:14:03 PM): not very helpful but it is meaningful

joker1648 (11:14:11 PM): i know

karatekidmeers (11:14:54 PM): it is a good metaphor though

joker1648 (11:14:57 PM): yeah

joker1648 (11:15:00 PM): thank dane cook

karatekidmeers (11:15:18 PM): i would rather not

joker1648 (11:15:24 PM): lol

karatekidmeers (11:15:24 PM): not very fond of his work

joker1648 (11:15:25 PM): yeah

joker1648 (11:15:30 PM): me neither really

karatekidmeers (11:15:50 PM): so until the day i experience true love

karatekidmeers (11:15:53 PM): i can't say much about it

joker1648 (11:15:59 PM): good policy

lately

so, well, i just noticed, like a minute ago, but my katie has me coming out of my shell.
my shyness is being overwhelmed with good feelings.
sorry about the short post.
love always to everyone-
ryan

greatest day ever

smiles, i love them
sleep
i love it.
hand holding-the all American pastime


you sleep next to me,
the tv,
not too loud,
but enough to lull us away.





now i'm trying

not too hard,
to
figure
out
where
to
put
my arm...

i could leave it on my side,
but that's to generic,


i decide to leave it on my side, other wise
it
falls asleep.

falling
verb


love
verb
noun


falling into love
greatest thing you could do.

dear katie

Katie,
I’m sitting here in ECO (Extended classroom opportunity). As usual I’ve been thinking a lot about you. I was staring into space earlier today and my friend, Edwina, she interrupted me. “Ryan, what’s on your mind?” Well, I had a difficult time answering. So, I wrestled with my mind and came up with the same answer I always do “it’s Complicated…” Now, mind you, these are people who have known me since my freshman year, and know me quite well. So, they thought I was sad about something. It took a few minutes to convince them of the truth, that I am PERFECTLY HAPPY.
So, in trying to explain to the enigma that is our “relationship” many people put in their opinions from “you gotta hit that” to marriage to monogamy. So, needles to say, it was an interesting (for lack of a better word) lunch today.
But I got to thinking, what we are doing, in our relationship is awesome. I very well can’t describe it, but I love it.
You were talking the other night about wanting to marry a man that you could help grow, that could help you grow. What was said afterwards made me happy like only you can. We both agreed that we wish that that man could be me. I know this sounds crazy, but the idea of you as a wife is just phenomenal
Katie Beth Sanders, out of any girl I have ever known, I adore you with a passion that exceeds how I feel about any other human being short of my mother. I wish I could say this in person, but yeah.

last couple of days

have been awesome
Katie and her sister Holly came over on Saturday, and needless to say, every time i see her, i fall harder and harder.

she is just so amazing, she inspires me to be a better person, and a better Christian.

she means so much to me, and i hope she knows it(well, she reads this, so she will).

i got a kitten on Sunday. Her name is Asmodel (azzy for short)

but yeah.

today could've been better

lunch was AWESOME i got to hang out with my new friend, and got to know her a lot better. I don't understand how people can talk so bad about such a sweet girl.
but during third block and for like nine hours i kept seeing her.
she makes it easy to not like her because of how much of a snob she can be.
i'm over her.
but that doesn't mean that i don't want to be friends with her.
i saw her after school and said "have a good night"
she didn't even make eye contact and said "ok"
she makes it so easy to want to hate her sometimes.

i'm sorry, my patience was tested, and i failed.

today

was odd.
at first i was late for school, but than had an awesome fifth block.
comm systems was weird, i don't like Pmac, his voice is worse than that Crazy Frog guy.
pe was cool, boring, and geometry was more boring than that.

i got home, and crashed, sarah and robin(my roommate and her mom), and i got on the computer and talked to my Katie Dear, man, ican't believe that god has given me something and someone so astonishing as her, but i plan on doing everything i can to keep her by my side.

Lately

my first ever post, woo!

well, hm, life i s AMAZING right now.
I seem to be "courting" one of my best friends, Katie Sanders, her sister thinks we're dating, but i don't know.

i'm just so happy.

god is amazing as well.
(i feel bad i put that second)
but like, he's teaching me love, patience, kindness and intelligence